The blog I don't feel like writing
I have no idea how many read my monthly blogs. And because very few respond to them, I really have no clue if my writing is having any worthwhile effect. I find myself wondering whether I am wasting my time and instead should be using the hours to do something else, preferably for me! You know- ME! The movement/new religion of our time.. It's also defined as self love or self care..In fact any word with the prefix "self" attached aligns with the love -of -self religion. Even the more self proclaimed mature/ emotionally intelligent types need to fight the 'it's all about ME' philosophy. It's hard to admit, but I can honestly say I've been feeling sorry for myself lately and have been tempted to look to fulfilling selfish interests and succumb to my feelings. It's a dangerous place to be in. A number of situations and circumstances have arisen the past few months that have left me questioning myself (as a mum, wife and friend) and my ability to hear the Lord's voice and His will for my life. I have been left hurt and disappointed in people who should know how to treat others (me and my family) better. I've felt used, completely overlooked, lonely and tossed aside.I look at the ministries in which I am involved and in my view, I see very little growth and fruit. I question myself as to whether the effort is worth the output. I tell others they need to forgive quickly and move forward, trusting that the Lord loves us and is in control our lives, orchestrating the steps we take. I encourage others to spend quality, daily time with the Lord in His Word and prayer. And I'm not going to now tell you I have ceased doing any of this or I am renouncing my faith as have some high profile (former?) Christian leaders. Apostasy is a horrific evil and a terrible witness to the world. I am greatly saddened by anyone who chooses to walks away from the Lord.
No. I say all this by means of introduction to the message of my blog today. I don't 'feel like' writing it. But I am going to. Why? Because I need to trust God. And wait.
There it is.. Wait. The word none of us like. The word precious few of us can practice regularly AND joyfully.
This morning, before my husband left for work, he asked me what was I writing about today for my monthly blog. I didn't even know why he asked me. It may be the first time he's done so. In self pitying fashion I answered that I had nothing and what was the point anyway. No one would know I missed a month or would even be looking out for it. Thankfully my husband was in good spirits and could answer me lovingly yet firmly that he would be looking forward to reading the finished blog that evening. (This is my second reason for writing today :) )
I sighed and rolled my eyes as he left. Yeah right. Easy for him to say. He was going to work,a place where he loves and is confident the Lord has placed him in. He was also going to arrive to a lovely cooked breakfast... and the complaining, self -pity party could of continued. Thankfully I had the sense to pick up my Bible and devotional and start to (somewhat reluctantly, I painfully admit) read.
'Wait on the Lord...." Psalm 27:14 (more sighing and now the tears came)
The devotion began..'It may seem an easy thing to wait, but it is one of the postures that a Christian soldier does not learn without years of teaching. Marching is much easier for God's warriors than standing still...'
There it was. I was waiting ..again. And I didn't like it. The fact is, I hate to be idle. I don't want to waste my days. I want to 'feel' productive, useful, dare I say it..successful. Yet that is the position I have been in over the past few months.You'd think I would have learned by now what waiting looks like. I've been there many times. You'd think, after nearly 40 years of being Christ's follower I'd be an expert at waiting on the Lord. But I'm not. Not yet. But I am learning to. And maybe, just maybe, there's one person out there who will read this and will be encouraged while they are waiting too.
My devotional this morning reminded me that to get angry, despair, turn away from Him, return to the world or rush ahead in presumption, to cease to trust Him or be faithful to Him is an insult to the Lord. (That stung)
We wait on the Lord in patience, in confidence and in surrender. In doing so,we acknowledge He is trustworthy, He is faithful to not forget His promises concerning us and because He is God and we are not, His timing and ways are perfect.
Look at Jesus who uttered those precious words in Gethsemane "Not my will but yours be done.."
We need to pray the same. We need to surrender our feelings, our interests, our hopes and dreams, our concerns over to God. We need to wait on the Lord to deliver us. Although waiting seems like a passive activity, it is not when we consider to Whom we are waiting on. In our waiting, are our attitudes God- glorifying? In our waiting, are our past times godly rather than worldly ? In our waiting, are we leaning in and learning more of Him? In our waiting, are we leaning on Him and not others (who I guarantee will let you down) or ourselves (prone to selfishness and pride) ?
That's all I'll write for now. Perhaps this blog's message was for you, whomever 'you' are. Only the Lord knows.
In the meantime, I need more practice in this "waiting on the Lord" spiritual discipline.
And maybe, I'll be able to share how I've gone next month.. maybe...